Crash Test Dummies

One or two of you will know that this blog doesn’t really get written on a Wednesday morning. Oh no Yoko, far too hungover for that normally. Its all done on a Tuesday Afternoon. Even the match report is done in advance. I just go in and change it from “Jody played shit and got what he deserved” to “Jody played shit but won convincingly”. Why am I letting you into that secret now? Well, at last nights game we were the suspects under surveillance of Detective Inspector Gee of the Criminal Pool Special Branch. As his findings are published weekly, I’ve had to hold my hands up and say “It’s a fair cop guv” and acknowledge that 99% of this blog is a load of made up bollocks.

And so with the short arm of the law watching our every move, we arrived to play the leagues ugliest team – The Victori-Us. Without Martin in attendance they are not as gay as previous encounters, but boy are they ugly. The first ‘car-crash face’ they put on is Lance. Zared is up for us and gets a reprimand for Inspector Gee for ‘Criminal Pool’. 0-1. Dog only receives a stern look akin to the kind you’d get for making furtive oinking noises. This is because he only gets a couple of safety shots before it is 0-2. Bugger. Luckily for us Andy reprises his famous role from ‘Men in Black’ when he shoots down Terry’s mothership and scrambles communication between said vehicle and Terry’s electronic brain implant. Or was that Will Smith? Anyway 1-2. Now this is where my writing tendencies let me down. I had the old “Jody played shit but won convincingly” line in here, but he actually played a stonking little clearance. 2-2. Jamie jostles for position early doors but one of them little spherical buggers hangs rather than falls when a pocket covering frame clincher is about to be played. 2-3. Dog can only wonder how a player who has a lower IQ than a pool ball manages to call the toss correctly let alone break and dish. But that’s what happens. 2-4. Property letting guru Mark turns up late as usual. He was forgiven as he was actually earlier than when he was running his own business for the last few years – an internet company called Google or something. Anyways, he pegs it back to 3-4.

Frame 8 sees Jamie play some ugly pool. Even uglier than his opponent. And when that man is Dave Morgan you’re probably being violently sick imagining how ugly it was. The shame was that it was a decent frame until the small matter of plopping ol’ blacky in a hole. The ‘encounter’ that ensued meant the Criminal Pool Squad Emergency Reaction Team were scrambled. Both players were dragged kicking and screaming into the back of a Black Mariah. Bail hearing tomorrow. 3-5. Mark’s summary hearing is next week (3-6), Jody has been giving a suspended sentence and warned off using too much gear (3-7) but Andy was freed on appeal (4-7). A first meaningful loss for 13 months. Yes, I’ve been waiting 13 months to include the criminal pool jokes. I almost deleted the ‘Stingers Lose’ template from my blog folder.

It’s the Doubles next week. That comp that Hivesters/Stingers always do well in. That fucking huge trophy that takes an age to polish. That stupid tourney that’s played at The Herald and is only tolerable by drinking copious amounts of alcohol and abusing The Cricketers. Which gives me an idea… This Blog needs some wider abuse. If you know of any player or team that deserves some, then leave a comment. Next week will see the first annual/occasional Stinger Awards. BE SCARED, BE VERY SCARED.

The Highland Fling

Top o’ the morning to ya. “Where’s those silly coloured bits at the top gone?” I hear you ask. Cant be bothered this week. Our Gay ranking hasn’t changed. In fact if anything it’s gone down because we’re the straightest lot in the league, even with Marks current pretty-boy hairstyle. Our ranking in the funny pool website listings is unchanged too due to there being a lack of funny pool websites out there which is a relief really otherwise we’d be falling off the bottom on recent form. Finally, we don’t have a new favourite lower league team. We still lurve the Craufurd Ex-Hive boys. Looking at the rankings though there are some right good names plying their trade in the cities pubs. We’re nominating The Clocktowers ‘Kam Ho’ as ‘Interestingly Named Player Of The Week’. He is also nominated in two further categories: ‘Player Who Most Sounds Like A Korean Dictator’ and ‘Things Jody Says When He’s Pissed’.

So where were your favourite blogerites engaging in battle of ash and ebony this week then? We were up the Cricketers and hoping to use some of our favourite phrases. “Unlucky guys, 9-2 doesn’t tell the real story”, “I thought it was much closer than the score suggests” and “’AVE SOME OF THAT YOU BASTARDS”. We were missing The ChapDog for the first time in about a year and with Kerry Stinger darning Jamies socks, it meant just five of us in attendance.

Dog was first up and was awarded a roll in finish. 1-0. Big Jamie’s only shot in his frame decided it would be as straight as Dean Bolton. The nasty roll off cost him. 1-1. The slack trousered one wasn’t actually in attendance as he’s being a bit belligerent about putting his hand in his pocket for some outstanding reg fees. Zared and his opponent’s balls were also being a bit stubborn in the ‘falling in holes’ stakes. The Cricks won the ‘falling over the line’ stakes though. 1-2. Jody keeps up his 100% record for the season to level (2-2) but Mark cocks up a clearance to lose his unblemished record. 2-3. Mini-crisis time as Jamie takes control of his frame but goes in-off what was essentially the frame winning shot. 2-4. The Magic Hedgehog works his stuff in the next to bring it back to 3-4. Enjoying his night on the lash sooooo much, Dog decides to prolong the evening with a 7 hours tactical marathon which eventually levels the scores at 4-4. Zared’s none too happy with this as he has to be up for work in about 30 minutes. In fact I think he’s still asleep as frame 9 slips away. 4-5. Ooops. Jody is to be our saviour and stands waiting for the miss as Andy Carter dishes from the break…. And misses his last ball. Having missed to a middle, Jody is a bit miffed to see it end up over a corner bag, but gets two shots eventually and clears with one. 5-5. Dilemma time. Pissed but on-form lucky skip Dog or sober but always lucky boy Mark. Hmmmmm. Mark it was. He uses his visits wisely and takes control, eventually going for it and without the slightest hint of a fluke, he dishes. 6-5 and unlucky guys, it was must closer than the scoreline suggests, sorry I mean ‘AVE SOME OF THAT YOU BASTARDS!

So a win and a boring match report. It could have been entertaining had the oaf of a manager been delayed in his quest to shut the pub as soon as possible. He was getting twitchy as it was – I think he wanted to get an early night ahead of his personality transplant. Of course it would have been FAR FAR more entertaining had Dean Bolton been there (warms tonsils….):-

The whole pub comes from the Isle of Skye
And they all know me boxers are white
Me keks are round me ankles Aye!
“Deano, Where’s Your Trousers?”

Let the wind blow high as me keks hang low
I don’t own a belt you know!
All the pool teams have a go
“Deano, Where’s Your Trousers?”

All our trousers hold up fine
So why can we see your Calvin Kleines?
Its not just once, its ALL THE TIME
Deano, pull up your trousers

You Can Get Yourself Clean, You Can Have A Good Meal

Current ranking in ‘funny pool website’ listings: 3rd (down 2)
Current favourite lower league team: Div 3’s The Craufurd Arms (Boom Boom Boom, let me hear you say Denno)
Current number of recurring jokes that can’t be used: 1 (Rottweiler stuff probably off limits at the mo)
Current GAY ranking (Div 1 only): 4th

Yes, you read that correctly, we have a GAY ranking. Let me explain. We have gay icon Meece in our ranks, plus Punter Hunters Mark and Zared. OK, they’re all straight as you like, but that’s why we’re not ranked 1. Above us in the rankings are The Originals – queer as you like – and The Victori-Us – more mince than Graham Norton’s local butchers. Who else could be higher than us? Step forward this weeks opponents… The Village People.

Now as far as imaginative team names go, we have to take our hard-hat off to them. It was with trepidation that we awaited the crew formerly known as R-Social Team to the shack. Visions of Stan arriving with leather cap to accompany his Merv Hughes/70’s porn star moustache struck fear into the heart of the team. We were more concerned for the regular RAFA crowd for whom the ‘Bugger’ causes a raised eyebrow, shocked faces and a rattled swear-box. What would occur if bare chests were to be on display surrounded by PVC. It didn’t bear thinking about.

They didn’t turn up in costume, but you do know what’s about to occur here don’t you? You’re prepared for it? Good…

Young man, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, young man, RAFA Stingers are in town
There's no need to be unhappy.

Young man, there's a place you can go.
Down the RAFA, we’ll make you our hoes.
You can stay here, and I'm sure you will find
That we spank you everytime.

It's fun to dish up at the R A F A
It's fun to dish up at the R A F A

They have everything for young men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys (and Kerry)


Now that’s out the way we can get down to the serious business of a match report. That’s right – serious business – the laughs stop here. Or at least they nearly did for Dog who missed a few pots too many but saw his opponent fail with a slam down the rail shot that all Rafaites avoid like a Jody break 1-0. Jamie must have subconsciously had ‘Jody Break’ in his head as he does a Jody break and leaves a table of rich pickings that are richly picked. 1-1. Jody doesn’t do a Jody break. In fact he takes so much pace off in an attempt to keep whitey from leaving the stratosphere that it resembles Jan Molby. In his Swansea City playing days. That’s a lot of pace to take off. And so we have a fudgey frame which the boy blunder (Boy? He’s 31 on Friday – Ed) eventually takes control of and dishes with near perfect cue ball position. OK, he was about 6 foot out on every shot, but they all went in. 2-1. Zared, oh Zared. Under the cosh from the off with the worse set he settles in for a session of “Make it difficult”. And difficult it is. Several hours later the tactical turn-around occurs and Zared blasts them out in the open with the first of two shots. Only to miss one in a clearance. But this missing business is catching and a missed black allows Zared back in for the kill. 3-1.

When I was at the doctors the other week he advised me that my blood pressure was bit too high. As a result I’m not allowed to watch any Mark frames for a month. However I cheated and had a quick peak as he was mopping up a simple finish although the lack of opponents balls on the table indicated that it hadn’t all been plain sailing. Thanks Doc, you probably just saved my life. 4-1. Andy is near deaths door with a horrendous bout of man flu – for which the Dogster got the blame (I sneezed last week). Luckily Mrs Andy lets him out to play. Unluckily a split shot in his clearance doesn’t yield a subsequent pot and we’ll skip the other chances he got. 4-2. Dog plays his best game of the season so far. No really, it was pretty darn good. Man of the match clearance material if I do say so myself. 5-2. Meece is chomping at the bit to bag the glory frame and despite miscounting and thinking Dog had already claimed it, he puts 2 pointeroonies on the Stinger total by, err, winning. 6-2. It gets a bit vague around here. Food, Beer, General chit-chat with the local luminaries, More Beer, Stuff, Things. Mark makes it 7-2 – I still wasn’t allowed to look. Zared takes it to 8-2 – must have been good as he was named player of the match. Andy plays the last and we storm to a convincing 9…. Err 8-3 win. More importantly than the win was the monumental moment in frame 11 when Mark refereed a frame. Stick that in your diary and say ‘I Was There’.

Next item for said diary is next week – our regular trip to Scotland to play The Cricketers ‘A’. You just KNOW that we’ll have some material for that one. Hang on a sec, The Cricketers.. hmmmmmm…. New Stinger GAY Ranking = 5th (down 1 place).