Crash Test Dummies
One or two of you will know that this blog doesn’t really get written on a Wednesday morning. Oh no Yoko, far too hungover for that normally. Its all done on a Tuesday Afternoon. Even the match report is done in advance. I just go in and change it from “Jody played shit and got what he deserved” to “Jody played shit but won convincingly”. Why am I letting you into that secret now? Well, at last nights game we were the suspects under surveillance of Detective Inspector Gee of the Criminal Pool Special Branch. As his findings are published weekly, I’ve had to hold my hands up and say “It’s a fair cop guv” and acknowledge that 99% of this blog is a load of made up bollocks.
And so with the short arm of the law watching our every move, we arrived to play the leagues ugliest team – The Victori-Us. Without Martin in attendance they are not as gay as previous encounters, but boy are they ugly. The first ‘car-crash face’ they put on is Lance. Zared is up for us and gets a reprimand for Inspector Gee for ‘Criminal Pool’. 0-1. Dog only receives a stern look akin to the kind you’d get for making furtive oinking noises. This is because he only gets a couple of safety shots before it is 0-2. Bugger. Luckily for us Andy reprises his famous role from ‘Men in Black’ when he shoots down Terry’s mothership and scrambles communication between said vehicle and Terry’s electronic brain implant. Or was that Will Smith? Anyway 1-2. Now this is where my writing tendencies let me down. I had the old “Jody played shit but won convincingly” line in here, but he actually played a stonking little clearance. 2-2. Jamie jostles for position early doors but one of them little spherical buggers hangs rather than falls when a pocket covering frame clincher is about to be played. 2-3. Dog can only wonder how a player who has a lower IQ than a pool ball manages to call the toss correctly let alone break and dish. But that’s what happens. 2-4. Property letting guru Mark turns up late as usual. He was forgiven as he was actually earlier than when he was running his own business for the last few years – an internet company called Google or something. Anyways, he pegs it back to 3-4.
Frame 8 sees Jamie play some ugly pool. Even uglier than his opponent. And when that man is Dave Morgan you’re probably being violently sick imagining how ugly it was. The shame was that it was a decent frame until the small matter of plopping ol’ blacky in a hole. The ‘encounter’ that ensued meant the Criminal Pool Squad Emergency Reaction Team were scrambled. Both players were dragged kicking and screaming into the back of a Black Mariah. Bail hearing tomorrow. 3-5. Mark’s summary hearing is next week (3-6), Jody has been giving a suspended sentence and warned off using too much gear (3-7) but Andy was freed on appeal (4-7). A first meaningful loss for 13 months. Yes, I’ve been waiting 13 months to include the criminal pool jokes. I almost deleted the ‘Stingers Lose’ template from my blog folder.
It’s the Doubles next week. That comp that Hivesters/Stingers always do well in. That fucking huge trophy that takes an age to polish. That stupid tourney that’s played at The Herald and is only tolerable by drinking copious amounts of alcohol and abusing The Cricketers. Which gives me an idea… This Blog needs some wider abuse. If you know of any player or team that deserves some, then leave a comment. Next week will see the first annual/occasional Stinger Awards. BE SCARED, BE VERY SCARED.
And so with the short arm of the law watching our every move, we arrived to play the leagues ugliest team – The Victori-Us. Without Martin in attendance they are not as gay as previous encounters, but boy are they ugly. The first ‘car-crash face’ they put on is Lance. Zared is up for us and gets a reprimand for Inspector Gee for ‘Criminal Pool’. 0-1. Dog only receives a stern look akin to the kind you’d get for making furtive oinking noises. This is because he only gets a couple of safety shots before it is 0-2. Bugger. Luckily for us Andy reprises his famous role from ‘Men in Black’ when he shoots down Terry’s mothership and scrambles communication between said vehicle and Terry’s electronic brain implant. Or was that Will Smith? Anyway 1-2. Now this is where my writing tendencies let me down. I had the old “Jody played shit but won convincingly” line in here, but he actually played a stonking little clearance. 2-2. Jamie jostles for position early doors but one of them little spherical buggers hangs rather than falls when a pocket covering frame clincher is about to be played. 2-3. Dog can only wonder how a player who has a lower IQ than a pool ball manages to call the toss correctly let alone break and dish. But that’s what happens. 2-4. Property letting guru Mark turns up late as usual. He was forgiven as he was actually earlier than when he was running his own business for the last few years – an internet company called Google or something. Anyways, he pegs it back to 3-4.
Frame 8 sees Jamie play some ugly pool. Even uglier than his opponent. And when that man is Dave Morgan you’re probably being violently sick imagining how ugly it was. The shame was that it was a decent frame until the small matter of plopping ol’ blacky in a hole. The ‘encounter’ that ensued meant the Criminal Pool Squad Emergency Reaction Team were scrambled. Both players were dragged kicking and screaming into the back of a Black Mariah. Bail hearing tomorrow. 3-5. Mark’s summary hearing is next week (3-6), Jody has been giving a suspended sentence and warned off using too much gear (3-7) but Andy was freed on appeal (4-7). A first meaningful loss for 13 months. Yes, I’ve been waiting 13 months to include the criminal pool jokes. I almost deleted the ‘Stingers Lose’ template from my blog folder.
It’s the Doubles next week. That comp that Hivesters/Stingers always do well in. That fucking huge trophy that takes an age to polish. That stupid tourney that’s played at The Herald and is only tolerable by drinking copious amounts of alcohol and abusing The Cricketers. Which gives me an idea… This Blog needs some wider abuse. If you know of any player or team that deserves some, then leave a comment. Next week will see the first annual/occasional Stinger Awards. BE SCARED, BE VERY SCARED.
posted by The Dog at 2:00 AM
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